It’s all starting to make sense…
October - 2024
Over the past year and a half, I’ve been looking for myself. And fuck did I find him…
I’ve been single for the longest stretch of my life since I was 22 years old, and that has been a blessing in disguise. I can finally listen to myself and be myself. Obviously, my abandonment issues caused me to relationship hop, which wasn’t healthy and certainly isn’t justification for an excuse, and I should have taken more time between them to learn this life lesson earlier.
We Live. We Learn. We Fuck. We Die.
Knowledge and Genetics are the only things that will continue from generation to generation, and since I don’t have kids, I be learn’n. Hopefully one day I can give someone a better life than mine, and pass on what I’ve learned.
I’ve learned that I have had ADHD pretty much my whole life and never diagnosed, which fills in a lot of my mannerisms, calmness in chaos, fidgeting, deep emotional swings, high sex drive, easy to boredom, unable to remember names easily, desk clutter, hyper-focusing, my need for adrenaline, starting and not finishing projects, procrastinating until the last minute, lack of attention span, random eye movement during speech, long pauses as I speak while I search for words, childlike behavior. I’m sure there’s more and as I continue to research it; I’ll list my related ADHD traits.
This could explain why I didn’t enjoy school until high school when I got to work with computers, and I excelled at it. Why I’m ambidextrous, creative and book smart. I can correlate things very rapidly, which probably helped me out a lot in my IT carreer and ruins movies for everyone else because the plot is too simple (I’ll do my best to keep my mouth shut, but no promises). ADHD isn’t all bad. However, if I’m interested in something, I become obsessed with it. When I work, I become a workaholic. When I love, I’ll sacrifice my life. When I have fun… the cops usually show up. I generally overdo everything I get excited about.
I don’t want this to define me. and now that I am aware of it at 47 years old, I can start to make changes. I’ve always tried to address some of the shortcomings that I didn’t know were related to being on the spectrum, such as trying to remember peoples names. I have to continually repeat it in my head, which switches off my hearing during a conversation, so, I’m fucked either way. It just looks like I’m ignoring you or don’t care to even learn your name. Just give me time, and please don’t get upset if I forget or can’t recall your name, tell me again Most of the time it takes me a few minutes, and I go through the alphabet, and 9/10 of the time as soon as I get to the first letter of your name, it pops up.
However, it’s never just one condition that makes someone who they are, it’s a cascade. Mine just feels like going down Niagra Falls in a storage crate filled with C4 trauma. But instead of always internalizing it like I used to, I’m working on being more vulnerable, and completely transparent. I’ll certainly keep my comedic attitude, I love to laugh, however it has always been my barrier to easily getting hurt. So, instead, I'm going to try to just be honest up front, even if it hurts someone’s feelings. If you allow a behavior to continue that affects you and you say or do nothing, you’re only hurting yourself. They’ll understand and get over it.
I still have much to discover and learn about myself. But like the title says, it’s all starting to make sense…